Empathic Distress

Is there any sadder part of being a human than having to google my own feeling? 

Yesterday I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by my friend's breakup story to the point I told him "Now I gotta sleep with a broken heart that is not mine".
However when I woke up, the feeling still lingered like the smell of cigar on your hair after leaving a bar. Any distraction was done only to welcome the unwanted feeling again. It's already strange enough for me to ever have empathy for other people. Usually people who trusted me (it might not go both ways) approached, they cried (possible) - I waited - they told me the stories - I listened - they cried again (possible) - I waited - they asked me what I thought - and me listing down the facts with pros/cons as the recommended solution - left them to choose. It's just the basic drill. No emotion involved. Most of the time, I just did not care (they know this, and that's what they expect from me). But this time, I felt like being sucked into the darkness, the kind of darkness that turned off all the senses yet ignited all the feelings inside. It's undefined, unfamiliar reaction of my body that I had no idea how to deal with. For half the day, I was trying to torture my senses with prolonged physical exercise where I bent my body to the point it was most painful, audio and visual inputs, and other sensing activities just to figure out what was real. Like those people who pinched themselves to know they're not dreaming. I started to question myself whether the feeling was due to sympathetic response or traumatic. As I recalled, I did not have such breakup story, but why did it seem relevant? How could I experience that feeling?

Ok, I just found out the thing I was experiencing is called as empathic distress, which is what possibly happens when one is trying to feel the suffering of other people. Unfortunately, instead of giving the appropriate support, I have this very poor emotional administration which causes me vibrating negative response when people share their suffering to me (as if I were the one suffering). I'm aware that I'm a retard emotionally, because I tend to ignore or even detach my feeling in order to utilize my rational thinking. Ignoring my feeling for a long time, rather than overcoming it, has affected my emotional development. This is the weak part of me I have to work on, because I cannot risk to lose who I am while engaging in social interaction with various people, in any level of intimacy.

To avoid such empathic distress, one solution is to build emotional boundaries. I have to notice when I feel triggered to know whether the feeling is purely mine or adopted. I have to remind myself that when I feel for others, it's not about me. Other than that, the key finding is self-directed neuroplasticity. It suggests that the mind changes the brain to change the mind for the better. Focus on what is good for my well-being, instead of the things that upsets me. While dealing with negative emotion, I have to tell my mind to be more positive and compassionate. It will then strengthen the brain part that relieves the suffering (left prefrontal cortex). As the result after it becomes a habit, I can have empathic concern for other people without having to feel like it's my problem.

Now I have to apologize to that friend for having a moment when it was the time for him to have his own. I guess I did not realize I cared too much that whatever the pain he felt, it became mine. I also was not aware that I've subconsciously had this connection with him which enabled me to experience such empathic response that I had never felt before for other people. It was only unfortunate that due to my underdeveloped emotional handling, I failed to give him the support he needed. Well at least I do not have to google up to know that I feel guilty.

Dear Rmagdn, I beg for your forgiveness for my inability to be the one you needed.
This event made me realize I have a lot of things to learn about interpersonal skill and developing the emotional part of me in a healthier way. Apparently, I forgot my own principle that kindness for others is unconditional. Thus, I should have never thrown you my burnout while you were being honest with me about your struggle. I'm sorry.

-Stardust

Superhero and Supercliché (Review on Gotham TV series)

Where do I begin here?

I am not really a person who posted a review of movie or series I just watched, but yes I do always have more than a word “Great!” or “Subhanallah!” as response. I have watched various series like Heroes, Fringe, Medium, Marvel’s Agent, Psych, The River (2012), Cristela, Franklin & Bash, True Detective, Grey’s Anatomy, Charmed, Whitney, Modern Family, The Neighbors, and many more. Never for once I felt the urge to write the review for those. Wait, since I have mentioned them I just realized perhaps I should have done that. Whatever, let’s back to my point. I am not implying that those are kind of blasé or less entertaining, but I have more convincing reasons for expressing the things pop up in my head about this Gotham series. Especially for this episode 7 Penguin’s Umbrella, it really hit the spot.

1. I do not care about argue on which published story is better between DC Comics and Marvels, but from the existing realm of Superheroes, only Batman that makes sense to me. I like the characters, the background story, and the logic that becomes the foundation of the whole story: A city namely Gotham that has its people living under the breath of organized crimes, corrupt societal system, injustice that drives high number of crimes, and the balancing battle between good and evil represented by the characters such as Gordon, Bruce, Riddler, Penguin, Bullock, Joker, and others. Batman/Bruce is perceivable for a Superhero. He has money to access information, high-level figures, technology, and ultimately he has strong background that makes him able to do the change.
For these reasons, I watched Gotham, and that had not disappointed me until I met BARBARA KEAN who becomes my #2 point.

2. This point is to explain the thing that does not make sense to me, yet. Boobra, sorry, Barbara was perhaps meant to be an eye candy for this series. I did not notice the prominence of her role on the Batman movies, but somewhat on Gotham she is there to fill the story as influential person in Gordon’s life. It really bothers me to witness Barbara as a woman that is so typical in mostly Western movies/series. She is portrayed as a lover who is sexy, beautiful, nice for eyes, but so much stupid in love that she always does stupid thing and jeopardizes Gordon’s life and his career. She works in art business; typically what beautiful and high-class woman does for a living. I am terribly disappointed. I do not hate any Barbara Kean, but I hate the fact how Gotham’s story writer has chosen to portray her that way. I suspected that as I saw her the first time she stupidly called media telling about discreet information right after Gordon just told her that his boss ordered him not to reveal it to public. She said what to Gordon? “But that’s the right thing to do!”. Such a naïve head you got there Barbara! What a lovely lady! Here I list her stupidity:

-    On the occasion of whether Gordon shot Penguin dead or not, she said to Gordon she hated that he hid things from her. Come on, judging from the previous thing happened when she called media about secret work stuff, why on hell Gordon would open up to her? Logic, Boobra? Funnily, she said it realizing that she was also had not told Gordon about her past lesbian relationship. What a funny Boobra. Gordon would not give out any information that had potential to risk his beloved woman. Don’t you get it, Boobra? Professionally speaking, even to partner/spouse, secret information about work stays secret.  That is what exactly is expected from a man of reliability and trustworthy. What, Boobra? Do you want the man you love to lose his job because he is disseminating confidential subject? Just because he is honest, does not mean he can share such information. Don’t you both have something more interesting than talking about work that even Gordon does not want to discuss? I mean, Barbara, what is it in Gordon that makes you fall for him? That has to be more profound reason than his work, right?

-    After the breaking revelation that Gordon apparently did not shoot Penguin, Boobra insisted to stay with Gordon. What a stupid act of affection. The man was trying to protect her that he even was willing to let her apart from him, but the woman wanted to stay for what? So she could be an additional burden to Gordon? This act of love by Barbara does not make sense to me. It never does. This is a pattern of differences between how man and woman would do out of love that I frequently find in movies. Why do story writers often put them such in opposite natures? Haven’t we got through it yet? This is 2015 already. Not all women do things based on affection. We, women, can calculate too.  This is bothering me. I mean, If I am in Barbara situation, yes, yes, I will go to faraway country, staying for a week in remote city, picking apples or oranges for pretext, and then move to other remote city to avoid being a collateral damage on Gordon’s behalf. That will I do because I, presumably, love Gordon so much I cannot let myself get on his way while he is fighting evil.

But that’s me; maybe that’s why I never have a boyfriend in the first place.

What the heaven were you doing there, Barbara?

-    There is one scene that made me cry, not because the story is sad, but because how stupid it is. It is from Episode 7, when Gordon and Bullock had already had the Mayor and Falcon on their grasp. It is a few seconds away from bringing them to prison or shooting them dead for resistance. Falcon then said that he had Barbara for his leverage. Damn! Barbara is really moronic. Can the writer try to challenge himself to continue the story without involvement of female stupidity or whatever love has to do with it? I mean, she apparently came back from wherever she was hiding pleading Falcon’s mercy to spare Gordon’s life. I mean, hello? Isn’t that the stupidest thing she could do for the man she loves? In my eyes, she was only sabotaging Gordon’s plan to bring the villains down. What a waste. 

But that’s just me. That’s probably why I never have boyfriend since I was born. I have lack of a beauty and less stupid.

The unfair thing is Falcon then told Gordon that he was lucky to have Barbara as a brave woman. Bravery? Is it what her action called? I see it as sabotage and foolishness. Not only is it the act of recklessness, but also futility. At the end of episode, it was revealed that actually Penguin that plotted with Falcon to spare Gordon’s life. So how is it, Barbara?

Barbara finally gets her wit to regret things she did.

-    Referring to my aforementioned point, Barbara cried saying sorry for what she did to Gordon. Yes, regret is a good start, lady. But it is unfair that she still got a kiss from Gordon. This is probably to exhibit how much Gordon loves her. But that does not make sense either. Which part of Barbara that is appealing enough to make her his girlfriend? Oh well, I recall from second episode when Bullock told Gordon “You gotta learn to control your woman” regarding the leak of discreet information to media. As response to that statement Gordon said  “I kinda like her the way she is”. Perhaps, it is true that man likes woman who is beautiful (of course) but rather stupid, impulsive, reckless, and stupid. Did I just mention stupid twice? Yeah, double stupid. 

    But that’s just me, maybe that’s why… oops enough with self pity.

The crux is, apart from the story about superheroes, Gotham has failed to serve new point of view on how influential the role of women in protagonist’s side. Barbara is just like another cliché from among three weaknesses of men (woman, power, and money) that makes everything that went well now gone wrong. Based on the Batman movies, I like how Cat Woman is represented. Unlike Bruce’s previous girlfriend Rachel Dawes, Selina Kyle was portrayed as witty, intelligent, intuitive, and quick-witted. I mean, the first quality I notice from her is not merely physical beauty. I really hope in Gotham, the writer decides to present Selina Kyle with more focus on her quality other than her beauty. We have enough Barbara for eye candy. We have enough of female cliché. No, not every twist in life is started by woman.  

Do His Shoes Fit Her Walking?

It does not matter which party has power over other party. 

It does not even matter whether the reign is in the hand of female or male,

but abusing the power in the form of discrimination does matter.

If we can end this, hold on...would it even be possible?

Well, let your level of intelligence and morality decide for you on how you interpret this short video.

Video Source

Math

As a graduate from social study, I see math helps us to understand not only numbers, but also equation, elimination, substitution, and things such as irrational, integral, and derivative, to either prove a statement or find the solution.
Just like life events, humans are prone to search for balance and justice, through elimination or substitution of things in aiming for a certain equal state.
We are given problems to choose the correct solution so that it forms an equation.
One thing I cannot (yet) find is that math does not regard any competition.
If it is known that x+4=6, the needed answer is always 2. Although you put bigger or smaller number, it will not be justified.
Math is a humble science that teaches us modesty and efficacy, two things are scarce nowadays amidst the drama of life around gold, glitter, and gospel.

Monograph on The Hegemony of (Ph)allacy

As the saying goes, violence toward a woman begins when the doctor says “Congratulation, you got a baby girl”

Conventional demographic administration categorizes human species in a dichotomy set of sex type, male and female. This dichotomy is used to attribute norms, expectation, and even more regulation. It eventually brings this world like now: lace doll for girl and army figure for boy. Woman is expected to present herself in a graceful and non-violent way, while a man is understood for behaving like what a man is supposed to be, that is placid and ferocious enough, not to confuse with the gracefulness of woman (or other might perceive him as a gay). Take a look at the commercials for perfume, cars, cigars, and oh gosh do not forget those popular Hollywood movies. How woman and man are described publicly, mostly through media, will definitely build a certain consensual opinion about what they are supposed and expected to do. This gives birth to the filter of personal interest based on the consensual norms. A girl might have a huge interest on aviation engineering, but it is likely her family would disagree as it is considered as a man’s toy. Now we know that one soul has just been taken down.

The more significant contribution comes from political sphere. We are in the middle of what can be perceived as the Phallic Reign. Since the human population grows massively, people start having the need to entrust their civil rights to a licit entity, in the form of government or people’s representative, to manage the entire community system including the laws, education, economy, health, and other societal matter. It is the reality we need to concern that despite the conventional administration has already applied this sexual dichotomy, the political system rarely considers the ratio of woman and man on the reign per se. If government really is the people’s representative, how that explains and is accounted for the possible discrepancy between women’s interest and men’s interest being accommodated? That might as well explain the reason behind hundreds of local legislation in Indonesia that discriminate women, specifically, ranging from prohibition of a woman being in public area at night, prohibition of women sitting astride on motorcycle, and other preposterous clauses, certainly arranged by those who were born with penis. Sex-based regulation indicates the presence of unequal degree between woman and man, in this case, man is assumed to have power over woman until today.

Make it concise this way: since the acclaimed crown is on the phallus, he begins to ensure that the reign will never be dethroned. From the perspective between the scrotums, woman as non-phallic constitution is perceived as the object that needs to be made regulation to control the possible unwanted occurrence leading to heresy. Woman’s life is now defined, regulated, and incriminated. Woman is always one point less than man for being non-phallic. Phallically speaking, it takes a penis to possess the real freedom of life.

As they are talking about rape, the saying goes like this: it is not the intention that leads to crime, but the presence of opportunity

The rape incident rate might be various across different nations with their own cultures. However, high or low incident rate number of rape will not change the fact that rape factually exists. Especially rape toward women, the incident has been experienced by women from varying ages, baby to granny, different races, and different social background. Look around you pertaining to this phenomenon, isn’t that disturbing? Under the Phallic Reign, woman is the victim, not only by political manner, but also by being physically attacked and bearing the dishonor.

There are too many forms of violence against women. Sexual abuse is the blatant discord symbol of man toward a woman. Woman is raped or sexually dishonored because she is a woman (non-phallic) and perceived as an object. He attacks the very special female organ that is distinctive. Several views try to explain about rape, such as the relation of superordinate-subordinate, control and authority, and others like religion and cultural approaches. In reality, each time rape occurs, not a few people see rape as merely the result of negligent conduct by the rape victim herself for dressing too seducing or letting him (the perpetrator) catch the opportunity to do so. Indonesia has several online news media that occasionally report a rape case. Read the public comment below the article and you will understand what commoners deduce on this matter. Let me put how common reaction toward rape this way: a woman was raped and yet, it is her mistake for making man rape her by dressing with what is available at the local store.

Man has been long forgotten in the discourse of violence against woman whether it is domestic rape or rape by stranger, while in fact man is the perpetrator who should be the main matter, the bull-eye target. This information distortion results in victim blaming like “Why did she wear that revealing dress?” or “Why didn’t she fight back?” or “Why did she have to get drunk?” or other why-did-she-do-that kind of question, and ridiculously, the main role of man as the perpetrator is gone with the wind like Macarena song, amidst the victim blaming feast.

Similar reaction is often found in property crime, when friends lost their wallets in public bus for example. They heard thing like this “Why didn’t you keep your wallet inside your bag and hold it tight?” and “Oh poor you. Next time don’t use public transportation. Bad people are ubiquitous”. Reaction toward property crime is also victim blaming. They suggest their friends avoiding to do something that is not even a crime. Is taking public bus a crime? Is using your pocket to keep your wallet is a crime? I thought stealing was the crime, so why don’t they remind the neighborhood to stop taking other’s belonging without permission? For other situation in the field of property security, such suggestion might be useful. A way to prevent a crime through environmental design is called as target hardening. If the environmental design has missed to harden the weak spot (opportunity), theft (crime) might occur. But viewing rape toward woman as property crime only accentuates the object status of woman. There is a missing link here regarding the Phallic Sovereignty: If in the first place woman is viewed as object and regulation is made to control non-phallic creature, so who owns the proprietary? Who should feel the loss of woman being raped? Who is that loser? 

Consequently, the loser is them who were born with penis. They failed to create secure environment that can prevent rape. Please be reminded, woman cannot be perceived as property/object and therefore, victim blaming on rape cases is not applicable in any way. The blame is always on the perpetrator. Wearing clothes is never a crime. If wearing a certain type of clothes is considered as seducing to then seen as a crime, banning the store to sell products like that might be highly advised as the solution to prevent rape. Please be reminded, but to rape is wrong and that is the crime.

For rape is the crime, instead of judging the rape victim for wearing such revealing clothes or with other blaming statement, it is the time for people to start questioning the perpetrator himself with: why did you rape? Why couldn’t you control yourself, strong man? Why didn’t you keep your sight?

For rape is the crime, instead of only telling unmarried woman to keep her virginity, to restrict the curfew, and to dress with solid clothes, it is the time to realize people the need to teach their sons and nephews to keep their sight politely, to avoid thinking heinously about woman, and to treat woman respectfully, because she has a bless to bear a life and deliver it into this world. 

For sex organ is naturally given not chosen, for human is equipped with intelligence, thus being a woman is never a curse. Discrimination is the crime that we, phallic or non-phallic creature, should together fight, because violence toward woman is violence toward humankind. 

The Last Curtsey for Farida Oetoyo

Young Ibu Farij (image retrieved from other blogspot user)

1939-2014

May she RIP, Valar Morghulis.

Today I lost my greatest ballet teacher, Farida Oetoyo, who was also the most senior Indonesian Ballerina and founder of Sumber Cipta Ballet School. 

She departed from this life by having left her huge contribution in ballet and other cultural artwork for Indonesia.

Even in her elder life, she still came to teach young kids and beginners, while sometimes telling us her nostalgic stories. 

Ibu Farij was undeniably strict, discipline, yet creative and open-minded. 

Once I had a brief conversation with her when she asked me my major study in Criminology. 

I never imagined before that a senior Ballerina like her had concern on humanity and laws.

With ballet, she trained us to focus and have firm control over the mind and body.

With her forte in teaching, she taught us to believe in ourselves that goal can be achieved by strong will and never giving up on trying.

Ibu Farij, here I salute you for the last time:

port de bras, step aside for plie, and curtsey.

How Does the Moon Affect Us?

The various stories of the moon have been known for a long time even more in ancient civilization, you name them. Below here is what I savvy and concern in regard to the moon:
Gravitational field of the moon has effect on the sea level | 
The tide will arise as the moon gets closer to the earth | 
Human body consists at least 50% water | 
Character/mood changing is found especially in people with water element on their zodiac (pisces, cancer, scorpio) regarding the moon condition | 
In some traditions, as the full moon appears, non-human creatures will be shape-shifting |
In Muslim's belief, moon condition signifies religious event (lailatul qadr, almanac, fasting month, etc) | 
The closest event of SUPERMOON will be on 23 June 2013 and see what kind of effect it has | 
Moon. Is it naturally constructed or human creation in the past?